If you’ve already played God of
War or GOW II, you can stop reading this review now, since Conan is simply a
mediocre rip-off of the God Of War series that’s probably not worth your time
(unless you’re utterly obsessed with seeing digital boobies, which Conan has in
spades). If you missed the God of War
boat, Conan is a solid if unspectacular beat-em up game.
The story behind Conan is
shallow: Conan kills lots of people in order to get his armor back piece by piece. Along the way, he saves a bunch of topless
girls randomly chained to rocks who immediately offer you sex in exchange for
saving them. Unlike God of War, you
can’t make good on their offer, nor can you kill them. They just bend over and grab their ankles,
shake their boob and stand there as Conan chops of hundred of limbs in
spectacular fashion.
The fighting system in Conan is
one of its strongest suits. There are
tons of different combos for you to learn and use, and three different types of
weapons which each have their own moves, one handed weapons, dual wielded
weapons and two handed weapons. In order
to learn new moves, you just have to slaughter enemies and gather colored
orbs. You can spend these orbs to buy
new combos, and using them produces even more orbs to help build up your
arsenal of combos. There is also a magic
system which is underutilized (only 4 magic moves) and doesn’t add much to the
game.
The boss fights are another
strong suit of the game. Most bosses are
enormous and put up quite a fight. Unfortunately, the overused “Press a button at
the right time” events end each boss fight, but it doesn’t detract too much
from the fights. I really wish
developers would figure out a new way to finish boss fights off, but creativity
isn’t a strong-suit of this game as it is.
Overall, Conan is strictly for
people who either haven’t played God of War or are desperate for a God of
War/Heavenly Sword type beat-em up game.
Or people who really love digital boobies.
Oh and I’m going to take a page
from 1up and move away from the number rating system and instead give letter
grades. For some reason 5.0/10 is so
often seen as god awful instead of middle of the road.
Grade: C – (Nothing more than a rental)
Mahalo,
Duke